There I was in the middle of the hallway. I felt an utter loneliness that I had not known before this point. All I remember thinking was, “I didn’t even get to ask her.” Still stunted, in complete shock over what just happened. I wanted so much to be able to come back with some witty remark, I wanted to be able to play it off, I wanted to be in a hole somewhere just like felt I was. But I wasn’t in a hole, I was standing in the hallway with all my friends staring or at least that’s how it felt. In reality only one or two people seemed to under stand the shock I felt: Christian, my best friend, and maybe Mike. But that was it the rest of my “friends” seemed to accept this crushing blow to me with the greatest of ease.
I had taken a risk, I went out on a limb for the first time and, it broke. I didn’t think it would be like that somehow I expected happier feelings, but it hurt. I almost asked my first girl out and she said no before I ever got a chance. Even now I’m dumbfounded I had never considered a preemptive rejection I thought for sure that I would at least be able to get the words out. And the way she came at me “NOOOO!” almost at the top of her lungs, it echoes in my mind just like did in that hallway.
It had all started so innocently. Sitting next to Christian in history class and asking for his advice while trying to dodge looks from the teacher. He thought I should just “go for it” and then in French class going to Sally, the trader, what she thought. I still regret those few simple words: “Christian thinks I should go for” if only I had made it more clear, if only I made sure she understood what I meant, if… if she could have kept her mouth shut. She didn’t have an answer she just said that I should “do what I want.” If only it had been that simple. After hearing Sarah’s useless advice I decided that I would do it, “today”, I thought, “no waiting, no chance for me to lose nerve. Right after class, I’m going to ask Amanda Greene out”
I liked Amanda, she was easily liked, and I realize now that every boy she met probably liked her. I was one of many to fall victim to the siren. The tease with her amber streaked hair and her sparkly personality, and the way her nose wrinkled when she laughed or when she would dance for no reason in the hallway on her way to class. I used to love her freckles that gave a kind of off pretty-ness about her, I remember teasing her when I found out she would freak out if you sneaked up behind her and say “penis” or “vagina”. The enthusiasm she would put into certain things, the same enthusiasm that put into crushing me that day.
Sarah in her infinite wisdom decided that what I meant by “Christian thinks I should go for” was that Christian in fact dared me to ask Amanda out. So before I got a chance to make a move Sarah found Amanda at her locker and told her that what I was about to do was actually a dare. “NOOOO!” she yield… no. She didn’t want me to ask her out because it was inconvenient, she was expecting one of my friends, Jose, to ask her out and if I approached her then she would have to choose and that was too much for her, not because she wouldn’t know who to choose the choice for her was obvious; Jose. But because she didn’t want to have to turn me down.
Behind her sweet and playful exterior was a shallow ditz who was afraid to take responsibility for her own actions. Still, it would be a long time before I realized this. Her outward attractiveness and the illusion of depth that she put on were still clouding my judgment. One thing that was very interesting was that she never seemed to notice just how many guys around her fell for her. Now maybe it was an act to maintain the look of innocence but something in the back of my head wants it to be genuine, maybe then I won’t feel so stupid for falling for it.
But it was always little things that I was sure I only noticed that made me convince myself that she was right for me, in my mind I was the only one who appreciated her, but that’s not true. Like I said almost every boy around her felt the same way. Unless they had already run into their own “Amanda”. and seen through this one’s the appearance of perfection.
I’ve talked to a lot of guys that knew her since then and they all have the same story as me, even the lucky, and not so lucky, ones that she actually decided to give a chance. You see her, now, ex-boyfriends came to find out was has taken me nearly four years to figure out and that is that when you first meet her you can’t help but like her, that’s the face puts on; the girl everyone likes.
After dealing with Amanda Greene I would never approach a girl with the same assuredness… ever. And something as screwed up, as that will almost definitely happen again sometime I don’t know when but it will. That’s just one of the things you have to adjust to when you’re here among the human race not everyone will respond to you the way you think they will. One the worst thing in life is rejection I think worse than death, I think, since I believe there is an afterlife. And definitely worse than pain because you can at least use pain as a motivation. Reject is worst than those things because you have no control over it, it’s simply another person’s choice it’s literally out of your hands. There is no changing what they think without compromising yourself, there is no “what if?” its unavoidable.
So what is there to do about it? Up until now I did nothing I let it sit there and get in the way of me meeting new people; getting to know another person in a deeper sense than just acquaintances. So much so that even some of my best friends, male and female alike, don’t know who I really am. Because of all the “Amandas” in my life I have put a wall between me a those who would accept me for who I am if I only let them. This is true for everyone, we’ve all encountered those people, and for every female “Amanda” there is a male counterpart doing damage to girls in the same way. I used to have this image in my head of this perfect girl, she was popular, but not a snob, she was funny and pretty, and just great. But now I see that that image can’t be real because we’re all messed up.
Along with rejection there are other unavoidable aspects of life that we will all have to endure, even the “Amandas”, but we’re all capable of enduring, and that’s the point. Everything will work itself out because there is no other result. The Earth continues to turn and the human race endures.
So the was me in High school, the only edits I made were for grammar, spelling and names, and that last line about the earth turning. This was a very traumatic event in my life, that I have more or less moved on from, after writing this story I got my first girlfriend, we broke up. Then I went to college and many a number of other lovely women, and then finally my fiancee. And while I still real a little bit at the insensitivity that that young girl showed to a young boy with a crush that day. I am also surprised at how glum I was in high school, it is interesting to know now that I will get over this event in time, I was right after all, I endured, there was no other result.
And that’s my new take on the Amanda Story.