Stupid Human Tricks

StupidHumanTricksI was a difficult child to punish. The reason for this being that I was always able to entertain myself no matter the situation. Virtually the only way I could be punished and it actually hit home was spanking, it’s rather difficult to use your imagination to make a spanking more pleasant. Luckily for I was also a pretty good kid so it didn’t come up that often, the first time my parents ever even tried to ground me until I was in middle school when I skipped school one day, but that wasn’t very effective since I didn’t really have any desire to go any where most of the time. this talent for entertaining myself has coming especially useful when wait in a queue or for the bus. The point is that over the years I have grown quite adept at entertaining myself with nothing but my self to work with. So I have decided to do my best to enumerate all of the weird tricks that I have discovered that I am capable of.

To begin with there are all the regular tricks whistling, finger snapping, finger crossing, clucking my tongue, winking, and plucking my cheeks. Then there are some of the less common stupid human tricks like rolling my tongue, wiggling my ears, rolling my eyebrows back and forth, ‘clam shelling’ my tongue, crossing all four fingers, crossing my big toes, and the double snap, where you snap your ring and then your middle fingers. Some of the harder tricks are things like ‘The Drop’ where I pluck the side of my cheek and push my tongue straight out at a very slight delay producing a wonderful *doo-up* of a drip. Also ‘The Propeller’ where I move my tongue back and forth rapidly while holding my lips in a whistling shape, making a great cartoony propeller noise.

I do a number a fun things with my eyes, one is playing with the parallax effect closing one eye than the other making object jump back and forth. Another is crossing my eyes in a very controlled fashion so that I can see my sight shifting from straightforward to crossed, this is especially fun when looking and heavy repeating pattern, because if you cross your eyes just right it will look like you a still seeing the pattern like normal, only it will feel much closer. Another trick I do that is very similar is to relax my eyes and keep them open, then I slowly tilt my head from side to side so that my blink reflects does not kick in. As you tilt your head your brain will compensate, a process usually edited out my a blink.

I fun one, that I don’t think everyone can do is squirting my salivary gland. I do thing by flexing my tongue and moving it forward as if push something heavy, while keeping the tip raised and the muscles flexed, as long as there is some a amount of saliva left in the gland two jet of spit will squirt out of your mouth like a water pistol. Usually I’m good for one of these flexes every ten minutes or so. I can also burp on command, by swallowing air, but also by inhaling air into my stomach, I do not recommend this trick if you have a sensitive gag reflex. This works by flexing my diaphragm as if to breath in, but instead of letting the air go down my windpipe, I divert it down my esophagus. The way I visualize the movement is I picture myself chugging a lot of water, I flex the same muscles and my throat opens up.

I know I listed whistling already, but I have discovered several methods for doing it. There is the standard method of puckering your lips and depressing your tongue. Then there is a higher pitched version where you cup your tongue against the roof of your mouth and leave an opening between the two ridges just behind your front teeth. A third and even high pitch type which is achieved by rolling your tongue into a “U” shape, holding the tip against the edge of front teeth and cupping your lips out leaving a slight opening. the last method is much lower pitched than even the standard whistle, it is, in my case at any rate, much louder. What you do is push your jaw forward, flatten out your tongue and catch a pocket of air under it, leave an opening between the tip of your tongue and the edge of you lip which should be pulled tight.
I’m sure that I have other stupid human tricks and perhaps I will update this list in the future as I recall them but for now.

That’s my take on stupid human tricks.


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