Apologies and Recent Events

TurtleSorry about my stark lack of post for the last ten or so days, I have been sick and am finally feeling myself again, so in addition to getting back on my diet, I will be getting back on schedule for the project and hopefully even cranking up the production schedule a bit to make up for the lost time.

I have recently started writing some longer form fiction, I’m not sure where they are going but I hesitate to post any of it until it finished and I have had a chance to do some editing, something I don’t always do when a ton of for my daily posts. I hesitate because I was given the advice that when writing anything you should keep the process private so that you don’t get in your own head about whether or not it is good. The idea is that in the first and even second drafts the most important part is whether or not it is even done, not so much whether or not it’s good. Get it done it the sentiment, if you want to show people the thing then go crazy.

This advice seems pretty sound but I’m not sure. My problem is that I have found that the only way I can manage to keep myself motivated in this, as of yet, profitless endeavor, that’s not to say fruitless only profitless, is to stick to a strict schedule. I mean even giving myself a sick day or two snow balled into almost two weeks with me making almost nothing. So this is the dilemma I am faced with, I need to stick with my schedule or the whole project will be lost to the endless list of distractions and chores, but I feel a real desire to write this fiction.

I’m not even sure how long it will end up being, it may just be a few pages, in which case I feel perfectly fine posting as I go since I probably won’t get too much interfering advice and feedback before the story is finished, but if I get on a role and the thing ends up being a full novel then not only will it be awkwardly long for the blog post format but it will mean that I will start questioning the direction of the work before its even whole. Perhaps the best solution is a sort of hybrid of the two. I think that maybe for this story what I will do is keep writing my short form daily posts I can talk about the research I am doing and what the process is like and then I will post the chapters as I finish them on a separate page.

Okay well I think that will do for now, I can always adjust the plan later. Alright, that’s all for today.

Here is a link for today’s Painting, previewed in the banner above.


Two Months In

TwoMonthsWriting so frequently for these past two months has been a real saving point in my life. for about a year before this I had been getting progressively more depressed. Now this was nothing compared to the year I spent unemployed, but it was nonetheless a tough year. I have  beautiful fiancée, and a job I like, but they can only afford to give me eighteen hours a week. this would be fine if it didn’t mean that my fiancée has to work forty to fifty hours a week to make up the difference. in the past seven years we have been together and especially the last five since we have left school, she has been a solid rock for me, and I’d like to think I have been one for her in return.

I cook, I clean, I do the laundry, and help her relax when she gets home. It’s a fine situation for now but when we start a family it just won’t due. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. I want to know what I can do. what can I put on my resume that will convey my intelligence, and work ethic? What can I say in a cover letter that will tell a potential employer that they would be saying my life if they only gave me a chance? How do you convince someone that when you say “I will at the very least, do this job better than anyone else you’ve interviewed, and at most I might just give you a run for your money in a year’s time” without seeming cocky or rude? And this is the sticking point for me, really, I feel like there is no position that would yield itself to me if I were only give the opportunity. I know I am not some perfect genius, but I also know that I am capable of learning anything, and if someone could give me a guarantee, I would have no trouble devoting all of my resources behind it.

As it is I can’t help but feel that the chance has passed me by and that in ten years time I will be no closer to my goals and that I will have worked myself into a debt that I can’t see because I have build a wall of delusion around myself and don’t want to see the truth. I have been told that you can make your own luck, and when I hear it it seem to make sense, but once I sit down and think about how to make my own… I am left without an answer. I have no friends with influence, that I know of, I have little influence myself and see no way of breaking into any industry this late in my life. I find myself chasing every job listing in my mind seeing the future at the company and how it will change my life, only to be crushed once again in a week or two when I hear that they have “gone in another direction”.

On top of all this I always worry about how it will affect my fiancée. Will she be able to cut down on her hours? Will she be able to quite? Will we have to move? How far would she really move? Would the new job take up too much of my time? And none of the answers ever make the decision easier. How high should my standards be? Do I go for anything that I can find, or make an earnest effort to establish a career?

It’s funny, how much your perspective can shift. Just two years ago I was overjoyed just to get the job at the library, it made everything better. We were able to start paying off our debt again, we bought a car. It feels like we’ve come a long way, and yet here I am bemoaning my current state. Will there ever be a time when I am fine, where I can stop scrambling just to be content? If what I have learned for my various readings and podcast listening holds any water, then the answer might be no. I hope that’s not true. And even if it were true, what am I to do? Give up now? move in with my parents? Stop trying?

No, that not an answer either, I’ll still have to go on living my life, you have to hang in there, keep applying to job offers, keep educating yourself, just keep going. Yeah that the only option really. It’ about this time in my mental argument that I remember that I am an optimist. I shouldn’t be so down because, things tend to work out. I may have had a rough five years or so, but what will that matter when I’m old and grey and happy, I’ look back on these days as the time when I floundered around; when I found my self. Yeah, that’s right. Anyways if I give up now, what will I do to occupy myself? No, I think I’ll keep up with this little project of mine, hope that something comes of it.

And that’s my take on… I dunno… Life.



The first thing that I am going to talk about is something near and dear to my heart. I also think that it will the a loose foundation for a lot of future posts; Creativity. It is also a part of my new endeavor to better myself that I should figure out exactly how I feel about creativity and how important to me it is. The best way for me to figure my way through and issue like this is to write about it so… here we go.

Growing up I was always a creative kid, I love drawing and many of my favorite gifts that I have ever received were art supplies when I was a kid. I remember thee first set of colored pencils my first sharpie, my first sketch pad, my first lego set, my first block of clay. And each one of those gifts were amazing to me it was like opening up I whole new world of possibilities. I remember in middle school shortly after my parents got back together (…hmm… I’ll save the details on that for another post) for christmas my dad got me a block of modeling clay which I had heard of before but did not really understand. After getting the explanation that it was oil based and not water based so that it will never dry out…! “That means I can use the same batch over and over!”

I immediately fell in love with the third dimension, and another funny thing happened. As soon as I began creating things that were three-dimensional I began to observe the third dimension more fully. I would spend hours staring at my room, the street, my house, with one eye open and then the other. I was fascinated by the way and objects silhouette could change so dramatically with such small turns. To this day swimming is my favorite physical activity because of the three-dimensional quality in which you can move.

Next time you are swimming in a deep pool, like 12-15 feet, try swimming in as complicated path as you can think of image the you are a seal and that the sides of the pool are the aquarium windows at the zoo. It will change the way you think about swimming, and hopefully the third dimension.

Another thing that happened once I began to see the third dimension is that I began to draw it. I became aware of what shading was actually there for. Shading was a technique the my father, a draftsmen, had taught me before but it was always something that I had put at the edges of shapes so that you knew they weren’t flat, it was little more the a neat pencil trick that I had learned. But its not until you truly see the depth of an object that you understand what the shading represents, but I digress.

The point is that I have been creating art of various qualities and in various media my whole life and what I have found is that the process of creation is a wholly unique system in the universe. It is only using creativity that you can take and input and generate more than what was put in. If ideas were form of energy then the human mind would be cold fusion reactor; taking in only a tiny fraction of what it puts out. And I truly believe this applies to every person. Anyone can be creative in the most wonderful ways.  The major roadblock for most people is not an inability to imagine or create, it’s the skills to bring that creation into the physical world. because the average person is capable of creating hundreds of fantastic ideas a day, but they lack the skills to share and realize the ideas.

Now really this is an explanation only, and not an excuse; not anymore with the internet available to everyone. Want to learn to type? Internet. Want to learn to draw? Internet. Want to learn to knit? Internet. There are a handful of media that are not conducive to learning on the web, but most of them can be supplemented by a community center or continuing ed. classes. Things like pottery you can easily start in a college class and then maintained out of your home. The only thing standing between you and self expression is the will to follow through, and possible the fear of criticism.

The will to pursue your dreams is not something that can be given to you, but fear of being criticized is nothing to fear at all. The important thing to remember is that criticism, the constructive kind anyway, is exactly how all of the worlds greatest artists and creators achieved their high level of skill. And even if the criticism is not constructive and only negative you should know that every negative comment only makes you as a creator that much more strong for the next time around. And also know that the worst reception of a creation is apathy, the last thing you want is for what you are making to go completely ignored without affecting anyone. In the end the important thing to hang on to is that everything that you put out into the world that wasn’t there before you is a change the you have made on the world, and even is that change isn’t for the better at first, it will be someday as long as you stick with it.

And that is my take on Creativity.